Mom Olympics

Happy Tuesday everyone!

So I’ve been really into the Olympics this year (small children = a lot of time to watch TV, even when weird things like curling are on). I saw an article on Richmond Moms Blog (where I’m going to start contributing soon!) about “gold medal momming” and it inspired me to come up with my own list of Mom Olympic events. So without further ado:

1. Stroller toss.

The whole javelin tossing event in the Summer Games is impressive, but let’s face it, a 2-pound javelin doesn’t really hold a candle to a 35-pound double stroller. Moms have to get these beasts in and out of car trunks with maximal precision, often with a baby on one shoulder and a toddler clinging to her leg. Bonus points awarded if a mom can pull off the one-handed fold maneuver and get the stroller in the car without smacking herself or her children with it.

2. Tantrum evasion.

Oh, the delicate and artful dance that is putting off a red-faced 2-year-old from a total nuclear meltdown in public. This takes finesse, skill, and a masterful amount of self-control. The general public sees only a desperate mother at the grocery grabbing her toddler by the wrist and whispering furiously in his ear, but expert judges can award points based on degree of toddler fatigue, time of day (with late afternoon scoring the highest points), and level of mom composure maintained throughout the event.

3. Judo dressing.

This exciting event combines the judo art of unarmed combat to unbalance an opponent with the necessity of putting clothes on your children every day. Gold-medal moms are able to tackle a naked toddler at full sprint, pin them on the ground in seconds, and dress them before they have even realized what has happened.

4. Meal-time pentathlon.

Only the most focused moms master this ancient contest featuring five different events. To earn a medal, a mom must be able to simultaneously 1. Feed her picky child with minimal tears and/or complaints. 2. Soothe her fussy baby right at the time of day she is most cranky. 3. Feed herself and her husband food that does not come out of a bag or box. 4. Remember to feed the dog and 5. Clean all of the mess up without food getting tracked all over the house. Wine usage is widespread among pentathlon mom athletes, but as of recently the Olympic committee has not classified pinot grigio as a banned substance.

5. Freestyle entertaining.

This is typically a winter-only mom event, wherein a mother must entertain her children at home, indoors, for days at a time. It takes endurance, patience, and creativity. Technical points are awarded for every non-TV activity and for the amount of time elapsed between the words “Mom I’m bored.” Creativity points are given to any mom who does things like make sensory boards or let their child play in a bucket of dried beans.

6. Synchronized afterschool activities.

To achieve elite status in this sport, a mother must be able to shuttle her multiple children to multiple different activities, all in different parts of town and at different times, and make it look effortless. Even though it should be technically impossible to do so many things at the same time and not completely forgot to pick Susie up from cello or Robby up from his tae-kwon-do lesson, these mothers manage to make a herculean feat of athleticism look like a graceful, effortless dance.

7. Marathon rocking.

Typically held in the evening or at night, this event requires stamina and the ability to move your entire body in a constant rhythmic motion while also holding a heavy, wailing infant. Athletes must sometimes do this for hours upon hours, with no clear finish line in sight. These competitors are typically characterized by bloodshot eyes, crippling caffeine addictions, and the inability to form coherent sentences.

8. Speed grocery shopping.

These elite athletes can typically shop for a full week’s worth of groceries in the time it takes most people to find the cereal aisle. Often setting world records in pace, moms who compete in this event can get from the produce section to the freezer aisle in 60 seconds flat, their carts a blur of motion as they race down the aisles. These women are highly motivated and trained, and they are pushed to greater and greater speeds by tiny, whining children who sit in their carts and scream at them.

9. Bedtime wrestling.

Moms who compete in this event must be agile, quick on their feet, and able to get a 35-pound toddler into their crib without sustaining a bodily injury. The opponents may be small, but they are determined and crafty. Just when moms are about to pin their tiny adversary, they will bust out techniques like the “I need a glass of water” method, or “Can you read just one more?” maneuver. To get on the podium, a mom must have nerves of steel, a strong backbone, and the ability to resist puppy dog eyes.

10. House cleaning slalom.

Unlike the more straightforward house cleaning that someone without children performs, a mom must deal with a challenging obstacle element in this unique event. While vacuuming and dusting, she must also navigate large hurdles like baby swings and the smaller, trickier obstacles of a million tiny plastic cars or a family of Peppa Pig figurines. Bonus points are awarded if she doesn’t accidentally suck up any Legos with the vacuum or fall down the stairs after tripping on a Hatchimal.

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