Ten New Mom Fantasies

So the forecast for the next few days looks like this:

Which means we will be stuck inside, pretty much all day every day, because I’d rather not have to explain to our pediatrician why my 6 week old has frostbite.

So to allleviate a little of these winter blues, I thought I’d share 10 new mom fantasies (not that kind of fantasies get your mind out of the gutter), that I think most women with little kids could relate to. These are about as mundane as it gets, but when you have two small children, these are right up there in terms of things you daydream about.

1. Eating a leisurely meal in a restaurant, sitting down, at a table. I literally don’t even care if it’s at McDonald’s. Between Ryland and Bobby I rarely eat a meal these days without either simultaneously nursing a baby or fighting off the advances of a ravenous toddler. Half of my food is eaten standing up half inside the fridge trying to be stealthy.

The thought of being able to start and finish a meal in peace, without giving half of my food to a toddler, without a dog (literally) breathing down my neck, without having to worry about spilling on a baby’s head, is just a heavenly dream right now.

2. Showering in private, with the door closed. Most of the time when I shower, the bathroom and shower door are wide open, and I have to stick my head out every few seconds to listen for the sound of screaming. Even if R is home, typically Ryland finds a way in and sneaks up on me, which is not at all creepy.

I would love to take like a 30 minute shower in complete and total privacy and silence, without having to strain to hear if the toddler is trying to kill the baby. Come to think of it I would also love to just go to the bathroom in private on a regular basis.
3.Working on any task for more than 15 minutes straight. My life happens in a series of segments. If a blog post ever reads as discombobulated (I’m sure they all do), it’s because I wrote it over the course of an entire day in approximately 75 stops and starts. When I cook I have to time things perfectly to have breaks to nurse a baby or chase after Ryland. I literally fantasize about being able to just do something so incredibly boring and ordinary without an interruption, like organizing a closet, folding and putting away laundry, or just dressing myself. Instead my life looks like this:

​4. Go 12 hours with total silence. 
To be fair, I don’t mind baby cries. They’re all pitiful and helpless and usually pretty easy to fix. But toddler whining? That’s a very different beast. And on cranky days stuck inside it can be almost constant, like elevator music from hell (well all elevator music is kind of from hell, but this is what satan himself would play as elevator music). Is there some sort of mom only sensory deprivation tank around town, where they serve giant glasses of wine and don’t allow anyone under the age of 18 within a 5 mile radius? That would make a lot of money. 
5. Do anything on my laptop without Ryland sprinting across the room to get to it and try to press EVERY BUTTON AT ONCE. I would love to be able to sit down at my computer for a solid hour without having to literally run away or stand on a chair to keep it away from my child and her single minded objective of destroying it.
6. Sit in a dark movie theater by myself for a double feature. Okay so we’re getting pretty big time here. This ranks way up in terms of things I fantasize about right now. But to spend an entire afternoon (heck even just 2 hours) in a movie theater, childless, with a giant popcorn and soda. I am getting a little choked up thinking about it.
7. Spend an afternoon shopping at stores I would never take a child. Like leisurely errands. Not anything super pressing or urgent. No important groceries like milk or bread. Just moseying around. A lot of perusing. Window shopping. Strolling. Promenading. You get the idea. I’m talking Home Goods. Sephora, World Market, locally owned boutiques full of trinkets, the home section of Target. Places intended for aimless browsing and buying crap you don’t need. Places with lots of fragile things, like a candle store, or antiques mall. Oh it would be so grand. 
8. Going an entire day without changing a diaper. I mean this one is not even a remotely plausible fantasy, because even when I go back to work I change diapers (nurse problems). But still, a gal can dream. And my diaper free dreams look like this:
9. Getting really in shape. Before kids I used to work out so much, like at least 5 times a week. I ran a marathon for crying out loud. How do people with kids do things like that without paying a babysitter a boatload of money? I would love to work out multiple times a week but unless I strap on a baby Bjorn during spin class, it just aint gonna happen. And if it does it will look like this…minus the treadmill.
10. Sleeping in a hotel room. I don’t mean a fancy vacation. I don’t care if it is a literally down the street. I would actually pay good money just to be able to go sleep in a hotel for a night right now. I’d order room service, watch an entire movie start to finish, and then just sleep, glorious sleep.

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